Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
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Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑