Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
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Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Pretty much. 🤣
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I hate my earbuds.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking