Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
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Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Me checking my bank balance online.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Golf would be better with landmines.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.