Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
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Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.