Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
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Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?