ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
You Might Also Like
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation