Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
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me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
BETRAYAL
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”