Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
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I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark