Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
me adding lol on a serious message
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.