Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
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Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
The government even made aliens boring
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.