Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
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[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.