Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
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Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.