Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
You Might Also Like
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.