Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
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I bet birds love this building.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳