Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
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Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
just having fun
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no