Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
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AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Some people were born into their job.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
True freaking story!
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend