[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
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10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.