(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
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The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
are there any atheist mantises?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.