@joss: Mean people tell me "you've got a face only a mother could love" but the joke's on them because she didn't
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@ComedicBust: Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I'm single now.
@_coryrichardson: me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD... a pretty huge d- her: Don't say it, im leaving [later] me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn't like dolphins
@markleggett: Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You're the Microsoft Word Paperclip.
@dril: broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him