I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
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Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
i’m still crying at this
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]