@joss: Mean people tell me "you've got a face only a mother could love" but the joke's on them because she didn't
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@david8hughes: "So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?" "The usual, self defecating." "Ha, I think you mean deprecating." "Think all you like."
@FinallyHeSleeps: Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it's more of a beached-dad-bod.
@unravelingfire: Me: Do you like my new negligé? Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap? Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.