@joss: Mean people tell me "you've got a face only a mother could love" but the joke's on them because she didn't
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@joeljeffrey: I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
@Vodkantots: I thought I found my soul mate for a minute there, but he was just a pervert on the internet. *runs after him
@PiratedTweet: One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Samsung users are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
@nayele18: Meant to tell my daughter "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit"