Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
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No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.