I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
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Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Netflix and awkward silence?