If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
You Might Also Like
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…