Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
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When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
This will teach them to underestimate me
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Good boy 😂😂
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!