Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
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Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.