Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
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[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Jupiter
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul