Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
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Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I really had high hopes for this year though