Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
You Might Also Like
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.