Barbie gone wild
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Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Bringing home a sharpie
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
The Book. The Movie.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
*cough*
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!