[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
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this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
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