Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
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6. me as a lawyer
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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