Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
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My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.