Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
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“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
What number SPF blocks people?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Awwwww shit.