[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
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older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough