ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
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Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]