Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
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Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Stick it to the man
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.