*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
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c’mon!
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer