If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
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Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad