Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
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I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road