Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.