Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
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Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
mom gave me mine for free
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.