[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
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“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.