(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
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My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Had to try this trend 😊
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”