[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
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Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
classic mixup
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…