[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Sing it!
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
hmmm
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.