Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
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Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
You are what you delete.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Damn he played himself
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.