A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
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Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
wtf is a larm clock?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…