Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
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The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]