@BaileysIrishTom: Meeting my friend's new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@WildeThingy: Food wedding anniversaries: Year 1: champagne 2: strawberries 3: chocolate 4: donuts 5: protein shakes 6: microwave meal 7: Rat poison
@jwoodham: VALENTINE'S DAY PLAN: Go to the homes of all couples who Instagram pictures of fancy restaurants and rob them while they're eating dinner.
@LuckoftheDraw86: "Every child's a gift." "Your 'gift' is eating his own boogers right now." "..." "I hope you saved the receipt."