[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
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It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh