The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
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no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
english majors be like furthermore
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.