Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
That’s not how days work.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.