[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
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He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.